Hogwarts' Rules
by bcandii
Summary: Typical list of Hogwarts' Rules, done a lot, but I intend to do every rule with its own story with various parings, so review with which one you would like me to next with details. Thanks!


I am not allowed to send Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo. No matter how much he desperately needs it.

I must not take out a life insurance policy on the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

I will not lock Gryffindors and Slytherins in a room and take bets on who will come out alive.

Crashing a Ford Anglia in the Whomping Willow is not the perfect way to make a grand entrance. Crashing it into Snape's office is.

I will not, under any circumstances, dare Voldemort to look up Drarry fanfiction; no matter how many times Draco charms all of your clothes pink.

I will not cook vegetables in my cauldron, especially in potions lessons.

"_Potter 6 - Voldemort 0_" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

I will not get Hermione to stand in front of the Mirror of Erised while in Ron's presence. That would be awkward.

Growing Marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not '_an extra credit project for Herbology_'.

I will not place balls of yarn laced with catnip sporadically around the castle in hopes that Professor McGonagall or Mrs. Norris will find them.

I will not tune Trelawney's crystal ball to CNN.

I must not disguise Firewhiskey as Butterbeer and give it to first years.

If thought of a spell makes you giggle inappropriately for more than 10 seconds. Don't.

I am not allowed to convince Dumbledore to start a Hug-A-Slytherin Day once a month.

I must hold back the temptation to shout "INK FIIGGGHHTT!" in the middle of Professor Binns' History of Magic class.

I will never again call Malfoy Weasel-boy.

I must not, under any circumstances, dye Fluffy's hair red and call him Clifford the Big Red Dog.

I must not pass a note to Harry from Draco saying, "Hey can we be friends?".

I must not scream 'I LOVE YOU! CAN I HAVE A HUG?' to Harry, Ron or Draco.

I will not ask Professor Trelawney how long her inner-eye has been on vacation.

I must not ask the next DADA teacher if he prefers to be killed, sacked, locked in a trunk for 10 months, lose his memory, or be attacked by an angry horde of centaurs.

I will not count down the months the DADA teacher has left to live on the chalkboard in class.

I will not run and leap into Snape's arms and say "Kiss me you know you want too!".

I will not go skinny dipping in the prefects bathroom.

I'm not allowed to spit into Draco's cauldron during potions.

I will not tell Hermione that the library is closed for renovations.

I will not set fellow Slytherins up on blind dates with Gryffindors.

I will not tell Fred and/ or George that his brother is a better prankster than him, for it will start a prank wars between the best pranksters since the Marauders.

Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. _Polishing my wand_ in the common room is not. Nor is _polishing_ someone else's.

I will not start every potion's class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable to be used as sexual lubricant.

I DO NOT WEIGH THE SAME AS A DUCK!

I will not give Remus Lupin a flea collar for Christmas.

I am no longer allowed to use the word 'Pimp Cane' in front of Draco Malfoy.

A wand is used for magic and magic only. It is not for picking your nose, drumming on your school desk, or _any_ _other forms of entertainment or shenanigans._

I am not allowed to lock Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.

I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my professors.

I will not try to start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.

I will not start food fights in the Great Hall.

I will not tell Harry that the only reason Voldemort wants to kill him is because he's jealous of Ginny Weasley.

I will not tell Ron that Hermione is really in love with his sister.

I'm not allowed to tell the dark lord that Lucius Malfoy is way cooler than he is.

Do not use Harry Potter's Invisibility cloak to haunt Draco Malfoy.

Do not send an owl to Voldemort asking boxers or briefs.

Do not put a spell on Professor Snape to make him say, "Harry, I am your father."

Do not switch Madame Pomfrey's medicine with the Weasley Wizard Wheezes.

Do not tell Draco that you own a female ferret and your willing to introduce him if he likes.

Do NOT give Draco a "Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret" shirt for Christmas.

I must not sell the video I took labeled "Malfoy the Bouncing Ferret" to Good Morning America.

Stunning Professor McGonagall, dragging her into an empty room, then leaving her there and going to do the same to Snape, then placing Snape on top of McGonagall and calling Peeves and all the Slytherins and Gryffindors to come and see before I wake them up, is definitely a bad idea. And will most definitely end in a lot of 'obliviate's and 'crucio's.

I must not spread a rumor about Ginny being pregnant with Malfoy Senior's baby. Neither Harry nor Ron would survive.

When trying to win an argument against Professor Lupin, I will not resort to the phrase "Bite Me".

I will not streak across the pitch during Quidditch matches.

I should not buy Snape a 'Kiss The Cock' apron for potion making.

I will not get so drunk that I run up to random men with white beards yelling, "DUMBLEDORE! YOU'RE NOT DEAD!"

Most of these were taken the Internet, but some are my own. I intend to write a story for each and every one that's on here, so let me know which one you want first.


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